A tailspin of emotions.
Scared mainly but with a big dose of overwhelm, numbness, and frantic overthinking for good measure. I can’t function properly, forget in an instant something I know I shouldn’t, lose myself in replaying the words and facial expressions, scrutinising anything I might have missed. I go back and forth and back and forth deciding what it means and what I’ll do.
The agonising wait from the moment you’re told something new has come up on your scan to knowing what it actually is.
Right now I’m 5 days in with 2 days to go.
He said it’s either radiation damage or a new tumour with no indication either way. Either life to go on as I know it or everything back to zero, again.
When someone new came and got me from the waiting room, I knew something was up. Only to be confirmed by my oncologist’s face. A face I’ve got to know over the last 4 years so well that there was no point in trying to hide it.
I immediately went into ‘calm’ mode. Ok, let’s look at this practically, we need to find out what it is and then make a plan for dealing with it.
But now as the day creeps closer it’s not quite so easy. The ‘what ifs’ lurk in the shadows and leech onto my body when I’m exhausted from the broken sleep.
I’ve always known it was likely but I’d gotten so used to the comfiness of being a ‘survivor’.
In some more positive moments I wonder if this is a gentle reminder of what the fear is like. How I should never let it go entirely. And in other moments I think what a load of crap, this might just be exactly what I’m so scared of and I’ve just got to face it.
Right now, who knows.
Well, someone out there does. The one who’s looked at my latest scan and seen exactly what it means. How odd that a stranger knows my fate while I’m sat waiting.
It’s not a long wait, I know so many others that have had many more days of torture but the hours seem to be getting longer the closer it gets.
I’m trying to embrace it by calling out every emotion and accepting how they sit within me. I’m also reaching out and asking for your love and prayer. Knowing I have this really does remind me how it got me through the last time and if I can do it once….
Thinking of you so much Cords…..waiting is just pure torture….but I feel so strongly in my bones that you will recieve positive news, stay strong as you always have & our thoughts & prayers will be with you….🙏 love & hugs, Jane (Heather’s Mum) xxxxx
Hi Cordelia,
My wife was diagnosed with grade 4 GBM in Jan 2019.
What a journey it has been for us all. I know how utterly tough it is for the whole family and your words in your latest post rang so true for us I wanted to drop you a comment. My wife is still going although she has lost much of her mobility, but we live scan to scan and we know all too well the type of fear you speak about. I hope your news turns out to be positive and if not a new treatment pathway opens up for you. My wife takes CBD and THC and Metformin alongside her numerous cycles of chemo which seems to keep things stable. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
My thoughts are with you and hoping the verdict will bring good news.
Mary, Mill Lane
Love and prayers heading your way.
Massive love love love and hugs Cords xxx
Bobby & Sharkey
Sending love and strength to you 💖 xxxx
Love, hugs and prayers beautiful girl!
Alex x
Love and hugs and praying for the best outcome ..you amazing gal xxx
My darling human, thinking of you and of my spirit twin, and your gorgeous husband. And of your mum and dad! I really, really, really hope that it will be good news! Whatever it is, you are SO much more prepared this time around. You know the drill, you have the strength and you have all the love! To add to your love, I am sending you LOADS!!!
Vesna xxxxxxxxxxxxx
*LOADS more, of love! Xxxxxxx
Lots of love and positivity coming your way from us – Kirsten, Mark and the gang xx
Dear Cordelia – Oh yes, much love and hugs to you during this very difficult waiting time.
I would also like to offer some perspective. Please think about the fact that the chances are 75% that the MRI conclusion will be OK. There are only these 4 possible results from any MRI and 3 of them are not horrible: 1. no real change from the prior MRI, i.e., a stable MRI (which can be the case no matter what another doctor might think looking at the image); 2. an identifiably positive change from the prior MRI (OK – maybe that’s not going to happen this time since you haven’t been told of any shrinkage) 3. a change from the prior MRI that has to be watched in the future but really is just that – something to be watched; or 4. an identified change that has a potential of being or becoming an unwanted change.
In summary, the first 3 out of the 4 possible results of any MRI are not “bad” and that last one doesn’t necessarily mean that one has arrived at a cliff at the edge of the medical universe. The doctors have options in their bags of tricks they can whip out if this turns out to be #4.
One thing to know about if it is thought to be a #3 (watch & wait some more), there is another type of scan you can get called a PET scan that might give your doctor more data to figure out just what it is.
Knowing how awful the anxiety is (and about 65% of people in your shoes report high anxiety), I sincerely hope you find something in here that at least will take the edge off the stress of this MRI event for you.
My heart goes out to you.
Sending you all the positive vibes Coco ❤️🙏🏻
You have been such a light for us during my mum’s treatment and no doubt for so many others. Sending back the light you have given us, times infinity and willing the very best news for you xxx
My dearest Cordelia,
Please know that you are loved, cherished and precious to so many of us.
You are a role model to so many and admired by everybody.
If your sense of humour were a disease we’d all want to catch it!
And I remember a day when I died, twice!
This said my little warrior, it’s time to face the storm full on in the face and tell it to ‘fuck-right-off’.
Bon chance mon brave.
Huge love, hugs, and beaming support your way.
Timothy
Love from us here in Winchester. Rachel &Timxx
My dearest Cordelia,
Please know that you are loved, cherished and precious to so many of us.
You are a role model to so many and admired by everybody.
If your sense of humour were a disease we’d all want to catch it!
And I remember a day when I died, twice!
This said my little warrior, it’s time to face the storm full on in the face and tell it to ‘fuck-right-off’.
Bon chance mon petit brave.
Huge love, hugs, and beaming support your way.
Timothy
Sooooo much love to you darling, I am hoping and praying that all will be well. We are all here for you. Will be thinking of you and sending lots of good vibes over the next 2 days. Big, big kiss 💋💋💋
So much love and prayers Cordelia. So sorry to hear about this. Love. Sue x
My heart is sore for you Cordelia whilst you wait to hear good or bad news. You have come this far albeit a very difficult journey with so much pain, heartache, fear and anxiety but you are a very brave girl. I only met you once but feel I know you a long time. You come into my thoughts every now and then and I worry when you aren’t on instagram. You are in my prayers and Ricky’s as he is a very spiritual religious guy . Stay strong and have faith. Much love, Nora & Ricky xx
Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you that all is well. Helen and David x
Dear Cordelia
Thinking of you and hoping so hard for the best outcome. With our love from all the Priddles
Thinking of you today,spending love xx
Dearest Cordelia
I am thinking of you very very much and WILLING it to be good news. And sending you all my best best best wishes for a good outcome. With much love and deep respect for the way you have got through so much of this already with such grace and dignity and amazing positivity. xxxx
Love you and here whatever you need! Laughs, practical help hugs! You are our queen!!
Thinking of you and sending lots of love xxx
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, dear, beautiful, Cordelia.
We send all our to you at this very emotional time.
Peter and Suzie
Xoxoxoxox