Today I Surrender.

I surrender to the fear. I’m still in my pyjamas and in the comfort of my bed, allowing, welcoming even, the tears and the pain.

I’m alone but right now that’s what I need. Quiet to hear my darkest thoughts and space to hold them without judgment.

It’s difficult when you have no symptoms and a life to lead to find a place and time to do this. Some expect you to crumble from the first moment but, for me at least, when life has to go on, when I want it to go on, it’s only when there’s stillness does the impact release.

I knew it was coming, that it was being supressed but knowing what it needed, I just couldn’t give it the time. But today I know I have to.

I don’t have answers, I can only surrender and accept. I’ve allowed each feeling to be recognised, heard and shake my body with grief but I’ve also reassured myself that it’s ok. It’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to mourn a life that could have been. It’s ok.

So today I surrender and tomorrow I will see what the day brings. It may be the same but it may also be full of laughter. And that’s ok too.