It’s been 9 days since I last wrote. 14 days since my scan and only 1 week since my life has been once more flipped upside down.
In that tiny blip of time I’m back to being a cancer patient and have already started my first cycle of chemotherapy.
It’s hard, almost impossible to describe exactly how I’m feeling despite how many times I’m asked. There’s frustration, dread, comfort, determination, fear, loved, numbness, belief, supported and sad to name a few. I flicker between rolling up my sleeves and just getting on with it all, to wondering whether I have the same strength as I did last time to do it all over again.
I can only say that whilst the fear of not knowing anything at all about how treatment will work is immeasurably worse, the feeling of knowing exactly how it will impact your life makes it a tough pill to swallow.
When you’re first diagnosed, you’re terrified to the core but you also have a different strength, a force that is tribal in essence and so powerful that it feels unbreakable. This time round, I’m exhausted and weary. The strength is there but only after by a big, heavy sigh.
Luckily I have another force of nature to carry me through. My beautiful, unstoppable, kind, dare-devil of a daughter. The light that leads the way, my entire being focused on keeping my beating heart next to hers.
She needs me here on this planet. Who else could possibly play the role of pretend horsey, teacher, dolly daddy, dog, cat, random extra that nobody quite understands the purpose of, so many times with such gusto?
It is also her that has reminded me how unbelievably grateful I am to have had 4 years to watch her grow from an adorable toddling 2-year-old to an incredible, curious 6-year-old. Had you told me when I was first diagnosed that everything I’d go on to do would get me, at the very least, another 4 years symptom-free with enough hope to put cancer aside and make beautiful memories that she’ll remember forever, I would have been overjoyed with gratitude.
If this is it, which it’s not but let’s imagine for a moment it is, how lucky am I.
Dear Coco,
May you continue to find your strength each and every day.
Sending you positive thoughts and big, big hugs,
Ros oxox
Sending you love and strength from Manchester Cords x
Inspiring to read this Cordelia. You have such strength – albeit after a deep sigh. Hoping things go well xx
Love you – sending big hugs from around the corner. Life is so unfair, but you are strong and will get through this, whatever it throws at you. Take strength from all the people that love and support you – there are so, so many. My door is always open for a glass and a cry xxxxxx
Mi amor, pedacito de mi corazón. It’s very, very hard to think about it but we are going to get through this; we are warriors and together, with all our strength, tenacity and shier will plus our positivity, determination and our immense love for live, unity of people, beauty of nature, we will pull through. We still have a lot to do and together we will do it.
You know how much I love you ….. una pizquita ….. …. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Un Vaquerizo nunca se rinde. La vida nos da por culo y cuando parece que nos sonríe, nos da una bofetada de realidad. Pero no es ser Vaquerizo, es ser como tú, luchadora, siempre con una sonrisa y como dicen los legionarios NO TENGO MIEDO A LA MUERTE.
Lucha, que siempre, siempre estaremos a tu lado
I’m heartbroken for you Cordelia and our thoughts and prayers are with you to give you that strength you had before to fight with all your might. You are the most inspirational person I know yet I don’t really know you personally. You will have dark days but the brighter days will push them away. You are and will always be in my prayers and Ricky’s (he is the religious spiritual one) 🙏🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗
Dear Coco,
May you find new strength every day.
Sending big, big hugs and all my love.
oxox
Ros
How eloquent you are in such a muddy, difficult time. Thinking of you and sending all the positive wishes I can xxx
You are so inspiring Čords. Sending you all the love, strength and light 💖
Inspired and in awe of you on a daily basis! You got this – you massive sparkly ball of joy!!!!!! Thanks for sharing and for your honesty and bravery xxxxxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sending hugs and positive vibes ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this very difficult time and my God give you the strength to get through it again. Much love ❤️
love and strength our darling warrior girl xxx you are an absolute inspiration. thinking of you all the way xxx