It’s been 9 days since I last wrote. 14 days since my scan and only 1 week since my life has been once more flipped upside down.
In that tiny blip of time I’m back to being a cancer patient and have already started my first cycle of chemotherapy.
It’s hard, almost impossible to describe exactly how I’m feeling despite how many times I’m asked. There’s frustration, dread, comfort, determination, fear, loved, numbness, belief, supported and sad to name a few. I flicker between rolling up my sleeves and just getting on with it all, to wondering whether I have the same strength as I did last time to do it all over again.
I can only say that whilst the fear of not knowing anything at all about how treatment will work is immeasurably worse, the feeling of knowing exactly how it will impact your life makes it a tough pill to swallow.
When you’re first diagnosed, you’re terrified to the core but you also have a different strength, a force that is tribal in essence and so powerful that it feels unbreakable. This time round, I’m exhausted and weary. The strength is there but only after by a big, heavy sigh.
Luckily I have another force of nature to carry me through. My beautiful, unstoppable, kind, dare-devil of a daughter. The light that leads the way, my entire being focused on keeping my beating heart next to hers.
She needs me here on this planet. Who else could possibly play the role of pretend horsey, teacher, dolly daddy, dog, cat, random extra that nobody quite understands the purpose of, so many times with such gusto?
It is also her that has reminded me how unbelievably grateful I am to have had 4 years to watch her grow from an adorable toddling 2-year-old to an incredible, curious 6-year-old. Had you told me when I was first diagnosed that everything I’d go on to do would get me, at the very least, another 4 years symptom-free with enough hope to put cancer aside and make beautiful memories that she’ll remember forever, I would have been overjoyed with gratitude.
If this is it, which it’s not but let’s imagine for a moment it is, how lucky am I.