I saw my 2 step sons for the first time yesterday since all this has happened. They are 7 and 11 and were told bits and bobs since the very beginning although obviously there are certain elements they don’t need to know.

So what do you say? So far I’d left it completely to Danny and their mum to decide and manage and from what I saw last night what an incredible job they’ve done. The boys were ridiculously sweet and caring and in reality we only spoke about it for 5 minutes which was perfect for them and me. The impact on their lives is in all likelihood for the time being at least going to be significant so the thought that might be upsetting them would kill me.

When we did talk about it I decided to go down the crazy science route and tried to wow them with how nuts it’s going to be having my head open with someone looking at my brain. If I could have taken a picture of the youngest ones eyes full of fascinating glee! They were also highly amused at how much and fast I was eating – the drugs have taken my appetite to new body-builder style levels. So fingers crossed we managed to keep it light-hearted for them although that doesn’t stop me worrying how they’ll cope in the future.

To be honest this is my biggest fear at the moment generally. Not just for the boys, although that’s a huge one, but everyone around me. The toll on them is hands down far more than it is on me. Let’s face it I’m being waited on for any little need I have, physically and emotionally and yet my family are having to turn their lives upside down to accommodate my new world. My parents are 74 and 69, worked all their lives, retired, become the most hands on grandparents (before this happened too) and then suddenly they’re almost full-time carers.

There is not one shred of them that would complain or feel sorry for themselves but that’s not the point really is it. Oh and on top of that they’re being told all this scary medical risky stuff about their daughter. And that’s only my parents. What about Danny, my brother, my best friends, etc, etc. And then what about the wider impact of people supporting those people and others like Danny’s ex (the boys’ mum) who this has just been totally thrust upon and yet she has no family/friend/emotional tie to me so is the least person that deserves this all.

So I know I’m being positive but I also feel guilty for that – like in some way I shouldn’t be taking it so lightly because it’s doing them such a disservice. They need to be allowed to be upset, angry, pissed off and generally want to shove this tumour where the buttercup don’t shine.