That’s all I can do at the moment. Keep believing. For me, for Loli, for all of us.
In the week since I got the news that my cancer is back with a new highly aggressive inoperable tumour that was non-existence only 3 mths ago, I’ve been ‘living’ in a half world of unknowns, terror, shock and chemo fog.
I haven’t known what to think let alone function like I was just one week previously. Many have parted beautiful words of encouragement along the lines of how I’ve dealt with it before. But it’s been different this time. A lot different.
I knew it could come back but never in a million years did I think it would be this quick or this aggressive. And I’ve now seen over the years of helping others, how this can now go. So my ability to step into warrior mode has been the hardest yet. Instead I’ve felt pulled into not just acceptance but almost a hands held up, fine, you’ve got me mode. Which is just not me.
‘Fighting cancer’ is tricky expression, a lot of people don’t like it and to be honest I don’t have strong views either way. But for me, personally, I’m not someone that deals with things without some kind of ‘I’ve got to give this EVERYTHING and more’ attitude and ‘it will NOT impact my life in ANY WAY more than it absolutely has to.’ To me, if I achieve that then THAT is winning. And it is is a fight to get there, it’s fucking exhausting and takes everything, maybe too much sometimes. It certainly leaves you vulnerable and some days its just not achievable.
But if every day I have left on this planet especially while I’m physically and mentally able, is spent appreciating and enjoying every single second then how is that not better than the opposite?!
I’m tired and I can’t run around acting like I’m not ill, because I am, but I can adjust my life to allow for the gentleness my body needs whist still soaking up the joy and love in my world. And what love there is, my goodness, I am so incredibly blessed to have such beautiful, kind friends, family, neighbours, even strangers around me. The offers keep flooding in and I need you to know that every single message goes straight into the vessel of support holding me up, feeding my power and energy to keep believing.
Two days ago, I woke up a little different and I immediately reminded myself that miracles can happen. It may have come back and it may be very very different but the last 2 tumours defied the odds by vanishing.
Who knows. No one knows. No. One. Knows. So why not believe in the miracles. Why not envisage myself writing in 10 years time that it was me, yes ME, that was that miracle. Jeez, I could even start writing the acceptance speech for my freaks of nature award. Screw that, let’s go straight for the Oscar for the most melodramatic cancer patient – It’s here, it’s gone, it’s here again, no it’s not, oh yes it is, POW, she’s survived!
A little less cliff-hangers would be nice but overall I can live with that script.
So I’m asking you to join me in this ride, I want to see you soaking up the joy too. I have always loved dancing, especially in the mornings, it’s even written as a commitment to Loli in her naming day ceremony that every day we’ll dance around the kitchen along with a few other parenting duties. It makes me feel alive and grateful that we have the ability to do it. I even look up to the sky and say thank you after.
So when you catch yourself thinking what can I do, please turn on the radio and let yourself go. Don’t worry who’s watching as I promise it will bring a smile not just to your face but there’s too. And then think of me and Loli. And for the biggest smile send me a photo or even a video 😊
Thank you. Let’s keep believing. Miracles can happen.