Day 4 post surgery – Identity fears

I realised that I didn’t answer yesterday probably what most people what to know, which is whether my world is yet again different (1), has gone back to normal pre-tumour-symptom days (2) or has stayed the same as just before I had the operation (3). To be completely honest the answer is unfortunately not clear yet. If I was forced to pick one I’d say number 3 but it could possibly be number 2 because I don’t trust my memory just yet.

What’s been pretty relieving is that it hasn’t all completely changed again. My perceptions seems the same, my personality is the same, I think?! My memory is relatively fine or at least no different to pre tumour removal and my body movements are totally ok. So all in all all, brain surgery and fatigue notwithstanding, I’m feeling pretty normal.

That aside I’m apprehensive about what feels like another upcoming identity change. When I became a mother, it was the biggest identity change of my life. Suddenly I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t my career which had been a big part of my identity for so long, my social life was non-existent, again something that had defined a lot of who I was and I struggled to connect with many people because every baby is different so either they didn’t have a baby and it’s hard to relate at that moment in time or their baby’s issues were different to mine so it also felt a little meaningless. What happened was sadly this meant I slipped slightly into mild post-natal depression. Yep I just said that taboo word. Shock, horrow. A lot of people sadly think that it means you have a disassociation with your baby and for some people that might be true but for some people, myself included, it is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY ZERO to do with the connection with your baby and EVERYTHING to do with your connection with the rest of the world. You just don’t know who you are anymore, or how to be. I sobbed for hours on end because I loved my baby so much but I felt lost and hardly anything comforted me especially the very very sad insane amount of judgmental parenting on sites pretending to be supportive unless you don’t agree with their views. Luckily for me it passed almost as soon as I eventually confronted and spoke to people about it but it was one of the toughest times of my life.

Coming back to now I would say that’s probably also my biggest fear at the moment. I’m just not sure I’m going to know who ‘post-tumour’ Cordelia is. It’s yet another identity to take on and determine. I definitely don’t feel like going back to being as social as I was (lets say my party shoes are being put in storage) and even the thought of being a day to day mummy in such a chaotic house is terrifying. My friends as you will have already gathered if you’re not one of them are beyond incredible but in non-sensical ways I fear that our lives will be so different now.

My dear friend Daisy says I should just be like Madonna or Gaga and go totally wild different every time. I mean I like the idea of it (save the meat dress) but knowing my creative limits when it comes to dressing up I’d probably end up looking more like a different farm animal in a nativity play each day of the week which might make Loli slightly more confused than proud.

We are also still waiting to hear (another few weeks at the very least) the grade of the tumour and the further treatment I might need based on that so who knows if there will be more identity changes to come. I won’t lie and say I can remember but perhaps this is what it’s like being a teenager again. All that angst, trying to work out where you fit in, what role you have. Gosh that was a hard time, let’s hope I’ve done it enough now to not fall so deeply in love with Jared Leto again as at the time he really was the only one who understood me (more on that later)!

Or maybe I should leave it for you to decide – answers on a postcard, what’s the new identity to be? Danny is pretty into this Tank Girl persona which I must admit is pretty appealing….

Tank Girl, the new Cordelia