Battle Wounds and Conflicting Appearances

I have always been fiercely protective of giving honest accounts on this blog and to people I speak to of how I am feeling and what I’m experiencing during this whole life-changing sequence of events. To me this means baring both the light, dark and in-between moments.

So when this weekend during a stunning fun yet relaxing weekend in the Cotswolds for one of my best friend’s birthday, I started noticing that my hair was beginning to fall out where the radiotherapy beams enter and exit I knew instinctively that this was something I needed to share along with my emotions regarding it.

Leading up to this moment since I was very first diagnosed with a brain tumour, it’s something that seems to have bothered a lot of people – predominately doctors and nurses, about my “beautiful long hair” possibly falling out. I, on the other hand was almost totally unfazed by this as to me it was a very small and completely insignificant price to pay for my family and daughter’s future. 

What I didn’t think about was how it would initially be so alien to me looking in the mirror and other practical matters like dropping hair in everyone’s food (sorry about that girls).

I can still honestly say however that I’m genuinely not fussed about my hair. The only thing that does make me feel utterly confused is that I now definitely look like a cancer patient despite the fact that within myself I feel fitter and healthier than most points in my life including still exercising and living life to the max in this new normality. 

Almost everyone, doctors included, are shocked at how I don’t in any way shape or form feel or act physically ill regardless of this disease invading my brain and yet hear I stand very slightly starting to look like I am as ill as what’s been diagnosed. 

This in itself is why it feels so out-of-body and conflicting to me.

After a few days of self-reflection however I have realised and come to total peace with the fact that it’s just another Warrior stamp to add to my collection and that there is no way I will ever hide it or be ashamed especially as losing a bit of hair hasn’t changed my soul, spirit and health. It’s also essential to remember that no-one in history has beaten a battle without the wounds and scars to prove it.  

And lastly let’s face it, it’s another look it conquer and after 15 years of the same hair style it’s been a long time coming to shake it up a little even if it is a bit patchy!