So here’s the thing, sometimes I’m ok and sometimes I’m not. For me it’s a lot easier to write when I’m feeling strong and yet the most cathartic when I’m feeling rubbish. The last week and a half since my last post have mostly been the latter which has been gutting as I really thought I was going to be able to stay positive and get through it.
And yet if you look on social media it’s almost all pictures of me being out and about acing my new hairdo.
As we all know with social media it gives the impression you’re loving life all the time when in reality sometimes and for me in particular it’s been one of the toughest weeks so far.
Firstly, to explain, the reason that it’s been so hard is because like so many people must know, waiting for the results of a tumour or a lump or anything that could be related to a life-threatening disease it’s completely and utterly traumatic and causes extreme anxiety.
Your whole life is on hold, it’s like you’re drowning but you keep getting gasps of air when you think you might find out whether you’re ok or facing yet more treatment. For me every week since the operation I’ve unfortunately been given false hope and every week I’ve had a day when I’ve been told I’ll have to wait until the next week and so forth. Those days, like yesterday, are devastating each and every time.
So whilst I’ve been I’ve been trying to do things that a) make me happy and b) distract me I’ve also had times when I’m not doing these things purely because I physically can’t all the time and when I haven’t been able to I’ve really struggled to cope as been laid up is just not me.
An amazing therapist I saw yesterday for the first time since this all happened hit the nail on the head (no pun intended!) when she said that it made total sense that in this current completely abnormal ‘recovery’ world to me it would feel so good to be doing normal things if I am able to that make me feel the world is normal again.
To me personally, that’s socialising (hence all the socialising photos and the gratitude for the people I love who are participating) which might sound weird when you’re going through extreme anxiety and recovering from brain surgery however I’ve forever needed to socialise and as long as I listen to my body’s needs to not push myself too hard or drink any alcohol, it’s been the best relief alongside my other go-to routes of meditating, journaling and generally trying to accept my feelings.
On the flip side I’ve also had moments where I can’t get out of bed and the waiting has been too much and literally nothing I do can make me surrender to it. During these times I’ve been terrified, angry, vicious and utterly destroyed all at the same time. I’ll not stop thinking of the ‘what if’s’ and in these moments I’ve thankfully called my friends who have been brilliant at telling me to shut the f*ck up and stay positive which is yet another reason I love them so dearly.
So whilst every night I make a little wish for my positive (everything crossed) results to come through soon in the meantime I’ve got an All Saints gig to go to (Never Ever, I’m not crazy
I’m sure I ain’t done nothing wrong, no I’m just waiting ‘Cause I heard that this feeling Won’t last that long…!) and a neighbourhood cocktail party to host. To keep things humoured we’re making a Brain Drain. Yum.