A tailspin of emotions.
Scared mainly but with a big dose of overwhelm, numbness, and frantic overthinking for good measure. I can’t function properly, forget in an instant something I know I shouldn’t, lose myself in replaying the words and facial expressions, scrutinising anything I might have missed. I go back and forth and back and forth deciding what it means and what I’ll do.
The agonising wait from the moment you’re told something new has come up on your scan to knowing what it actually is.
Right now I’m 5 days in with 2 days to go.
He said it’s either radiation damage or a new tumour with no indication either way. Either life to go on as I know it or everything back to zero, again.
When someone new came and got me from the waiting room, I knew something was up. Only to be confirmed by my oncologist’s face. A face I’ve got to know over the last 4 years so well that there was no point in trying to hide it.
I immediately went into ‘calm’ mode. Ok, let’s look at this practically, we need to find out what it is and then make a plan for dealing with it.
But now as the day creeps closer it’s not quite so easy. The ‘what ifs’ lurk in the shadows and leech onto my body when I’m exhausted from the broken sleep.
I’ve always known it was likely but I’d gotten so used to the comfiness of being a ‘survivor’.
In some more positive moments I wonder if this is a gentle reminder of what the fear is like. How I should never let it go entirely. And in other moments I think what a load of crap, this might just be exactly what I’m so scared of and I’ve just got to face it.
Right now, who knows.
Well, someone out there does. The one who’s looked at my latest scan and seen exactly what it means. How odd that a stranger knows my fate while I’m sat waiting.
It’s not a long wait, I know so many others that have had many more days of torture but the hours seem to be getting longer the closer it gets.
I’m trying to embrace it by calling out every emotion and accepting how they sit within me. I’m also reaching out and asking for your love and prayer. Knowing I have this really does remind me how it got me through the last time and if I can do it once….