I wish, I really really really wish from every fibre in my scarred and broken body that I could be writing to say that after the traumatic wait we finally have had some good news following the results that were given to us yesterday. 

But for now at least, it’s very sadly for myself, my family and our entire team not the news we’d hoped for.

The tumour is [taking a deep and slow breath] a Grade 4 Glioblastoma, IDH-Mutant. In non-technical terms that means it’s one of the most aggressive forms of Brain Cancer.

As always however let’s try our f*cking hardest to see the positives in this.

Firstly, the IDH-Mutant bit is really good news apparently although I would struggle as a project manager and not a doctor or scientist to tell you why. Perhaps it’s the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles form of tumour which basically says I don’t give a sh1t what you are, I’m kicking your ass. Sorry, I grew up in the 80s.

Secondly, my Neurosurgeon told me the pathology report has confused all of the Neurosurgeons, Neurologists and Neurooncologists at Queens Square (part of UCLH Hospital) where I’m being treated as whilst the standard tests say it’s Grade 4 but more advanced and newer tests say the genetic makeup of the tumour is saying something different which indicate a lower grade tumour. It is apparently the first case ALL of them in their many many years of service have ever seen like this as if they ever show different results it’s always the other way around. Again this is obviously very confusing for me but I am being told cautiously that this is positive news despite being unknown territory for them. 

Thirdly, my age and fitness is again a massive bonus so thank you Lolita for keeping me fit by running after you all the time. My little monkey, helping in every way she can.

Regardless of the results I have been advised that I need to have Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy not immediately but pretty soon. This will most likely be for 6 weeks and 6 months running concurrently but I will be told more when I meet with the Oncologists soon.

All in all despite trying to remember the positives I’m obviously devastated and have spent a lot of time being held by Danny whilst I cry and go to very dark places. 

In other moments however I manage from somewhere to realise that there is no point in spending all my time in the dark when I have a BEAUTIFUL daughter to cuddle and play sleeping bunnies with. I also remember that despite the results there is nothing at all apart from my warrior scar and the occasion sleepy moment that would give any indication at all that I am apparently that unwell so why waste all my time in bed like I’m that sick. 

So Buttercup you might not be quite as harmless as I first thought you were but you’re still shining bright and reminding me that life, however short it may be, is for living so let’s do this and that light is not just for me but for all of you to be basked with so please if you’re reading this take a moment to appreciate life and all that’s in it despite the hard times we all go through.

Snuggling and Snzzing with my baby after the most emotional day. Is there anything better.