The Only Way Is Up

The Only Way Is Up… Baby. For You and Me Now.

Click here for a little video that takes me back to THAT smile

So this is the hardest post I’ve yet to write.

As many will have seen on social media Danny and I not-so-secretly got married on Thursday in hands down the most magical day (alongside Loli’s home birth) I’ve ever experienced. It was the essence of beauty and love. There wasn’t 5 minutes in the entire day where we weren’t laughing, smiling, dancing, beaming with joy and bursting with pure unfiltered emotions.

It was so intimate with only immediate family and our very closest friends which I never realised how much of an affect that would have. It meant that standing in that ceremonial room and looking around, you not only had heart-wrenching love for the most gorgeous man standing opposite but also for every person you could see in the room too.

Danny surpassed all expectations when he arranged for my closest friends to sing ‘Here Comes The Sun’ alongside an acoustic guitarist as I walked into the ceremony and down the aisle causing my tears to fall from the very start. He then organised a brass band to play Stornoway’s version of ‘The Only Way Is Up’ as we came out of Old Marylebone Town Hall. A song that has always been ours but now more than ever is our mantra and our faith.

Lolita obviously stole the show running around the room holding her dress above her head, knickers on show and shouting “they’re in love”! Even the registrar couldn’t contain his hysterics.

Followed the ceremony we had such a beautiful heart-felt meal with just one long table where yet again I could look each person in the eye to truly convey the words coming from deep inside my heart. I actually don’t know how I managed to write a speech which could express enough how much they all meant to us and how grateful we were to have them there as our team and for the incredible amount they’ve already done. I’m still not sure I can convey it enough but hopefully it went a little way. And every time I looked at Danny I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to find someone that makes me feel so safe, so loved, so happy and so beautiful.

I honestly just can’t get over how perfect the whole day was.

Writing this and putting myself back in that bubble is exactly what I need because what happened in the days after is devastating to me.

My neurologist has since told me it was anxiety based and this makes sense the closer I’m getting to the surgery. After a day of feeling very odd on Saturday night I started having mild seizures again. They’re called simple partial seizures, only last for 20-30 seconds each time, you probably wouldn’t even know if you were in front of me as there’s no fitting or even twitching but for me it was terrifying.

Over the course of 12 hours I had 8 seizures and ended up back in hospital on the Sunday morning. After the high of Thursday it was such a crushing low not least because being in those same emergency wards took me straight back to the first terrifying time I was rushed in there.

Thankfully I am now on yet more medication which has stopped the seizures although I still feel like my spirit is crushed and I struggle to recognise this person. Deep down I know this is normal and ok but it’s so hard when all you want to do is feel like you again.

In saying that the thought that my husband (still so strange saying that!) is here by my side helping to make me feel safe and our team is there supporting us every step of the way is making my morale and my true self creep slowly but surely back again. I know I’ll get there and for now I’ll keep looking at the photos and videos of that magical day, close my eyes, remember the dancing and looking into Danny eyes whilst holding our gorgeous baby.