Last night was hard and the text below is from a personal diary entry I wrote because this morning I feel very compelled to share not just the fun holiday snaps but the times when I feel nothing like the smile you see in case it helps anyone at all to see that no one is exempt from times of darkness.
I’m here on holiday having had some heavenly moments particularly in nature where I’ve felt such deep peace and tranquillity.
So now when I plunge into a moment of darkness on this extortionary beautiful break it makes it that much harder, that much more devastating, more depressing than at home.
90% of the time I feel so determined and confident I’m going to be ok and the miracle that the stats on google don’t show but then I have times like these when I have an overwhelming feeling of preparing myself for what feels like the inevitable.
I feel so paralysed with terror that I’m giving up and accepting what I have rather than doing what I know best and staring this cancer in the eyes and silently telling them that you really have picked the wrong fight with the wrong person.
I don’t know whether that’s just me continuously processing everything especially as I’m here and therefore it’s a good thing or is it the opposite, my worst fear of stopping my body from allowing itself to beat this and heal. Can we have moments like these? Or are they toxic and ruining all the good work that a positive fighting spirit provides?
I also can’t not feel like a fraud in these times, like I and everyone around me thinks I’m a warrior but really I’m just a very scared normal person that has been captured by this fatal disease.
I’d like to think, in fact I know, that it’s better to succumb when I need to be able to accept what is happening before I remember who I am and what I’m capable of but it’s just so f*cking hard sometimes that I’m having to use every ounce of positive energy to pull me through.
A few days ago I was unbelievably lucky to swim alongside a 90 year old wild turtle in the Mexican ocean that was as long as me and just meandering along. When I looked into his eyes the sense of calm and wisdom he projected was overpowering and right now looking back remembering his face, it makes me realise that I just have to trust every feeling and go along with it.
It also reminds me that if he’s still here in our desperately polluted and toxic-filled sea being as magnificent as ever then so can I be.
So f*ck that sh1t, I know I’m still a warrior, a determined and strong bull but with simple vulnerability just like every other person, animal or spirit on this planet no matter how lucky you are. I CAN fight this and I throw everything at it and I WILL beat you Klootzak Vader, just you wait.