The last few days have felt a little like life is getting back to ‘normal’. Not in the sense of how I see, feel or am – I’m still living in this new world but in the sense of life just continuing and all the activities that need to happen to push it forward. Truth be told I’ve been absolutely loving making this happen and the distraction it brings.
My ‘to do’ list has been epic and who doesn’t love crossing things off a list?! Remember that my job was/is (not entirely sure about this past tense thing) a Development/Project Manager so I’m in my element. There’s all medical administration, doctor appointments to go to or book, adaptations that need to be sorted, post-surgery ‘just in case’ legal admin that needs to be set up, a holiday to book, multiple birthday presents to buy, something pretty epic which is between my family to organise, further things to write down on my to do list, seeing my gorgeous friends, running a house, spending time with my beautiful step sons, oh and helping to look after and play with my 2 year old. And yet when people ask me what I’ve done that day my mind will go completely blank and it will take me a good few minutes or looking at my phone to have any recollection!
I have felt more on it too. Some of this is because of my new wake up time of between 5 and 6am but other times it’s more random like the fact I can now remember Danny’s mobile number off by heart which I have never ever been able to do and yet generally my memory is far worse now and I can’t even remember in any vague format if I’ve taken my medication that morning.
I’ve also had old very watered-down anxieties creep back in. Anyone that knows me will be familiar that I’m a bit rubbish at getting back to people. I’ve always found it daunting and overwhelming and yet I’ve always found the time to be active on social media and let my mind be taken by the vacuum of Instagram, Facebook and The Guardian online. It’s something that brought be great guilt and more than that, actual sadness in the past. If I’m being really honest it was a huge factor in sending me a little over the edge in the few months after I had Loli. I just couldn’t handle how I couldn’t seem to get back to people due to not having enough time and yet spent unbelievable amounts of my day doing soulless activities. Obviously when you’re feeling like this the problem just perpetuates the longer you don’t reply until you find yourself just wanting to run away.
I absolutely promise I don’t feel like that AT ALL at the moment and bizarrely I’m managing to keep on top of getting back to everyone a thousand times better than before but I’ll get the odd flash of remembering someone has messaged and I’ve completely forgotten to reply. I’ll then straight away forget again (!) or feel rotten at how rubbish I am. Yes, yes, I know I have the perfect excuse and that no one expects me to at the moment but I still wish I was just one of those people that just does it there and then and is so on it especially as all those messages etc have been the absolute biggest element of getting me through all this.
The most ironic, hilarious and fascinating fact in all of this is that the last world leading Neurosurgeon I saw told me that if (big if) they manage to get most of this Buttercup out then there’s going to be so much more space in my little head that my brain might actually start being more ‘efficient’.
Yep, I’m going to go from being a slightly dodgy Duracell bunny to a crossbreed buzzing dolphin-leopard taking over the planet. I’m going to start speaking Japanese, the house is going to be sorted within minutes and I even heard the country might need a new Prime Minister.
Just too funny.
But in all seriousness I still don’t know what he means by that?! I guess we’re just going to have to watch this space.