Day 11 Post Op – Control

Without trying to be too profound, it’s a funny thing control because any therapist, self-help book or mental health professional will (or should) tell you that you are in control of your own state of happiness.

I have personally tried to remember this ever since I started my own journey of enlightened self-help a few years ago. Being a control freak, this has over the recent years actually played well into my hands as it made me feel all that more powerful and protective of my own psychological being.

And yet there are times in your life when some pretty shitty things happen to you or your loved ones which are totally out of your control and definitely can’t make you happy.

This week I have felt this more than ever. I started the week feeling almost indestructible and accepting of my own destiny and my own feelings towards it. I felt in control of being patient, of understanding that it would take more time to put this story to bed one way or the other. I was even encouraging of my medical team to take their time to make sure they got all the information they could.

And yet by Wednesday due to some monumental miscommunication within the hospital I was a depleted shell of myself feeling as if the world was spinning around me and I had no feet anchored to anything.

To cut a very long story short I was told on Wednesday morning I would definitely be finding out what my tumour was today (Friday) only to be told a few hours later on Wednesday afternoon that they actually didn’t have the information they need and it would be another few weeks.

Putting aside the anger at this mismanagement as I know this isn’t the forum for that, it was so devasting predominately because it made me realise that in this particular situation of learning my fate, I wasn’t in control at all, in fact the people in control where people I don’t even know. For someone who works a lot on and takes pride in being in charge of their own mental wellbeing, this was more petrifying and utterly terrifying than I can begin to describe. I literally crumpled.

It took a lot of fresh air, reflecting and surrendering to remember that being in control of your own happiness doesn’t unfortunately mean you are in control of the situation or how it is handled. It’s a point I struggle a heck of a lot with but I’m pleased to say I’ve accepted, for now at least, and I am back to being ok with waiting. But maybe that’s because I feel in control again. Blimey, what a sneaky one!

As for dealing with the anger over how it was handed and communicated, I must admit this has been buried for now but I think, optimistically, under the circumstances that’s ok and hopefully there will be channels when the time is right to release that appropriately too.

In the meantime, I’m yet again going to fill my time with things I love doing with people I love. People that have shown extraordinary kindness and made me feel so so loved. Pre-surgery that is exactly what got me through and it’s absolutely going to get me through this little extra time now.

I can honestly say I’m writing this sentence with a smile on my face and happiness beaming out. So yes my mind has been toyed and tossed about quite a lot this week but isn’t it just unbelievable how powerful our abilities to change our way of thinking are in such short spaces of times.

There was no more poignant moment to evidence this when I took mi mama, Loli and one of my closest friends over the last two days to an exhibition of an Artist I find so deeply touching, resonating and beautiful, Charlie Mackesy www.charliemackesy.com. Not only did I get so much joy out of being there with my family but it yet again humbled me to remember what actually makes me happy and who I want to be.

So Charlie, this post is dedicated to you for reminding me and so many others that my strength is from love and trying my hardest to be kind, and accepting that sometimes I can’t be in control.