It is 6am and I have just woken up, come downstairs to not wake anyone and registered a domain called www.bottlemeupbuttercup.com
This morning I decided that that’s exactly what my tumour is called – Buttercup. I know that’s exactly the opposite of what everyone wants to call it and how they see it but to me it’s perfect.
It’s made me feel ALIVE and lucky and privileged so why wouldn’t I want to bottle that and yes take it out of harming me but try and somehow bottle it forever and ever.
I’m laughing right now because I feel like other people reading this must think I sound like one of those youtube kids that talks like they’re totally high when they’ve just had a tooth removed and maybe that is exactly what this is because of the drugs I’m taking but at least it’s hopefully still amusing!
And how incredible, truly amazing is it that every morning for the last 3 days have I woken up smiling, dancing, music in my head, and feeling so so blessed.
The doctor also told me that the surgery might affect my periphery vision but if it means I will only ever see everything in buttercup light then I’m ok with that. Who needs to walk in a straight line if all you can see are blurred love hearts and smiles? When I close my eyes to sleep now I mostly get images of Loli cuddling her toys or friends dancing or being silly. And music, my dreams now have soundtracks which I have never ever had before. The other morning I literally woke Danny up dancing in the bed.
As a last thing for today I just to be clear, this isn’t some sort of business plan. I’m not thinking how I can make money off this. I just want to savour this feeling, this aura, this beautiful moment and at the very very least remember it if god forbids it or I ever go away. The thought that my daughter can read this when she is older is enough to make me write every little word I am feeling down and let her own it in years to come.